When it comes to charming tales of romance, you know you’re off to a good start when the story is tagged with “sex toy, Michigan, Wal-Mart, theft” and “Spencer’s.”
How can I resist? All that’s missing is the edible panties!
Wait, wait, wait; actually, upon further review, it turns out edible panties are a part of this, too.
Cubic Zirconia Is Almost Forever, Right?
While some folks doubtlessly will label William Cornelius a cheapskate over the fact he purchased his fiancé Sheri Moore a $30 engagement ring (actually a $29.62 engagement ring, to be exact), we all know it’s the thought that counts. And when a guy is thoughtful enough to steal you a vibrator, two thongs (alas, only one of which is edible) and oral sex candy called “BJ Blast,” clearly he’s a keeper.
Of course, if he does this sort of thing too often, it might be the local county jail which ends up ‘keeping’ your sweetheart, for about 90 days at a time, give or take.
But hey – love conquers all, right?
Dude; You’re Not Supposed to Get Drowsy Until AFTER Sex
Upon further review, perhaps love conquers somewhat less-than all, because apparently love can’t compete with the sedative effect of Tramadol, the substance Cornelius blames for the fact he fell asleep while trying to tie his shoes in the mall food court following his romantic five-finger-discount shopping spree.
Tramadol or no, if I were Moore, I’d be a little concerned about the future of my married sex life, because if her fiancé can’t even stay awake long enough to avoid capture by mall security, what are the odds he’s going to have any energy left after a long day of…. ummm…. Well, whatever it is this guy normally does for a living, assuming his usual “day job” isn’t stealing roughly $80 of Spencer’s merchandise at a time.
If nothing else, Cornelius should really consider getting a bit more ambitious with his romance-inspired thievery. I’m not saying he’s ready for the big league challenge of Victoria’s Secret, but defeating the relatively low-rent security of Frederick’s of Hollywood would be a sensible place to start.
The Silver (or Perhaps Merely Silver-Plated) Lining
The good news for Cornelius (to the extent there can be ‘good news’ for someone who has made national headlines over stealing $80 worth of cheap crap from Spencer’s) is the relative pettiness of his crime, third degree “retail fraud,” which is a misdemeanor under Michigan law.
According to the complaint filed against Cornelius, he now faces up to 93 days in jail and/or a fine of “$500 or the 3 times the value/difference in price of property stolen.”
All things considered, it’s probably best Cornelius passed out in the food court before his haul could surpass $80, otherwise he might have been faced with the humiliating prospect of asking his bride to be to return her engagement ring to help offset his fine.
On the Other Hand….
Embarrassing as it might be, their current brush with the law is neither the couple’s first, nor their most serious.
For her part, Moore was pinched about four months ago for stealing a cell phone, resulting in a misdemeanor larceny charge which remains on the books against her. In Cornelius’ case, the prior charge is a felony conviction for “ethnic intimidation” in 2014, a crime for which he’s still on probation, according to various media reports.
You know, Sheri, all things considered, maybe you should rethink accepting Billy’s proposal. After all, there are many fish in the sea, some of whom can probably even afford to buy a $6 pair of edible underwear and remain conscious all the way through the admittedly exhausting task of putting on their shoes.